Speak to my soul

Its a rare occasion to find someone who speaks of their life as if it is your own.  Even rarer to read that persons trials and errors and find yourself crying, not out of sorrow, but rather out of acknowledgement.  That feeling that finally, someone, even if it is a complete stranger, gets you.  Gets how hard your life is.  Gets how much you struggle every day to better who you are.  Gets how many times you have fallen flat on your face and how determined you have become to keep trying until you get it right.  Gets how insecure you truly are when all those around you remark how strong they think you've become.  Gets how much more there is to life than computers, cell phones, televisions, and other electronic devices.  Gets you.  Truly speaks to your soul.

I have found that one person.  That complete stranger who I have never met and yet I feel like she knows me so well.  Like we have had the same lives; made the same mistakes; are trying to fix the same errors.

 Rachel, from Hands Free Mama speaks to my soul.  Her journey is my journey.  That of a mother struggling to change things; change ourselves, so that our children don't suffer at the hands of our previous hurtful actions and words.  So many of Rachel's posts hit so close to my heart that I cannot stop myself from crying.  Crying because finally, someone gets me.

Sadly, nine times out of ten I am unable to finish reading Rachel's posts for all the emotions that well up inside me.  Feelings of regret.  Self-loathing.  Sorrow.  For all the things I have put my family through.  For all the times I yelled and screamed over things that were so insignificant.  For all the days I just wanted to be left alone and did all I could to shut my family out.  For all the times I felt like I just couldn't take another disappointment or another thing going wrong.  For all the times I just wanted to walk away from it all.

Thankfully I never quit - even though there were plenty of occasions where that was my weakest temptation.  Thankfully I never walked away - even though the thought of staying was just as painful.  Thankfully I had, HAVE, a family that loves me enough to let me completely fall apart.  Thankfully they were there to pick me up.  Thankfully they were there to help me change things, change me, for the better.

Thankfully I found Rachel.  For now, even though things have become remarkably improved from just a short year ago, I am discovering every day, something new that I need to make amends for.  Something new I need to strive for.  Something more I want to achieve.  Someone better I want to become.